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By Bubba Bob Booda
Dusty Baker is a person of
color. ‘Person of color’ is an accepted term in these politically correct days
of splendor and delirium. Just be sure and remember to keep your word order
correct, because the term ‘colored person’ will get you in a whole heap o’
smoldering mule fuel. Being a redneck, I too am a person of color, and know
only too well the ugly sting of ethnic prejudice.
Anyway, this person of color
(dark brown to be more precise) by the name of Dusty is accused of being a
racist towards other persons of color, namely fellow African Americans and
Hispanics. (Just in case you don’t know, Dusty is the manager of the Chicago
Cubs. Before that he managed the San Francisco Giants for ten years, winning
three Manager of the Year awards). Dusty is known as a ‘players manager’, a guy
who has a personal connection with his players. This includes black players,
Hispanic players, Asian players, redneck players and even white folk. In all his
years in Major League Baseball, including more than a decade as a player, nobody
ever had the slightest notion that Dusty was a dangerous racist.
I say “dangerous” because
that’s what UPI’s Kim Gambrell said about what Dusty said. What Dusty said was
that his black and Hispanic players could handle the heat better than his white
players. Racist pig! Where’s your hood, you Southern fried Uncle Tom!
Gambrel went on to say that there was no scientific basis for Dusty’s racist
statement. Huh?
But Gambrell was not the
only one to utter this nonsense; I heard it several times on several cable news
shows. And not once, not once did one of these chickenshit hosts—Bill O’Reilly
in the case of Miss Gambrell—say “What do you mean there is no scientific basis,
of course there is, it’s a little thing we like to call—evolution! Why do you
think blacks are black, because of all that snow in equatorial Africa?” How
about them deep dark southern Indians, is there an Ice Age going on in Tamil
Nadu I haven't heard about?
That’s right folks, as
fantastic as it may seem, dark skin, dark hair and dark eyes are a nature’s
answer to—HEAT! So it only makes sense then, that iffin’ it’s time to run a
marathon and it’s hotter than a June bride’s panties in a pepper patch, best bet
the pig farm on the feller from Kenya! Now I ask you, is this racism or just a
bit of good old fashioned sports betting?
Racism really shouldn’t
exist anyway, hell, we was all colored once! That’s right Cletus, once upon a
time your family tree was an Acacia on the Serengeti. When our ancestors made
their way out of ole Africa and finally trudged up to cooler climates where
there was less sustained heat and UV radiation, their skin tones gradually
lightened. It took about 20,000 years to make the complete transition from black
to white, with various shades in between. Only Michael Jackson can do it in less
time.
In other words, if you took
a group of blacks from Africa and moved them to say, Sweden, and kept them from
having sex outside their group for 20,000 years, they’d end up white as a Pat
Boone Christmas.
It’s people like Miss
Gambrell who are the real danger. They’re the next generation of Nazis—the PC
Nazis—and it’s news anchors, cable news hosts and other elite media types who
are their collaborators. And just like the French who collaborated with the
Germans during WWII, they oughta bear the shame of having their heads shaved and
marched through the streets so that everybody knows who they are.
If Dusty Baker is a
dangerous racist than I’m a pretty ballerina. All 309, finely tuned pounds of
me. All Dusty did was speak the obvious: blacks and Hispanics in the Major
Leagues, due to their evolutionary advantages and often the environments they
grew up in, are generally better suited to play in the heat. Dusty took a lot of
PC Nazi heat for his remarks, but because he was black he could handle it
better. And he got to keep his job. Point is any allegations of racism should
never have been raised at all. God forbid a white manager utter such a simple
observation, because the PC Nazis will hang the poor bastard from the right
field foul pole quicker n’ spit fries on a griddle.
Bill O’Reilly called Dusty’s
remarks “foolish”. But why was they foolish, Mister O? Because they was
incorrect, or because he should have known he’d incur the wrath of the PC
Nazi’s? Clearly the answer is the last one, and part of the reason is because of
cowardly Talking Head collaborators who live in fear of their jobs if they ever
dared to face down witch hunting witches like Miss Gambrell.
And isn’t it funny how the
PC Nazi’s seem to almost exclusively inhabit the left side of the political
dial? Ain’t if funny how they always manage to look the other way when one of
their own expresses racism, real racism?
Case in point, California
gubernatorial candidate Cruz Bustamonte. A devout liberal, Mr. Bustamonte used
the nigger word not once, but twice in a 2003 speech before a group of African
American persons of color, and not a word of complaint or a single demand for
his resignation was uttered.
Compare that to the case of
that useless slug named Trent Lott. Lott made only an allusion to racism open to
interpretation by telling a former segregationist senator on his 100th
birthday that the country might be better off if he would have been elected
president way back in 1948. And for this he gets branded a racist and
relentlessly pulverized in the media for weeks before being forced to resign his
senate leadership post. This is nothing less than race based
McCarthyism, and it stinks worse than a fresh turned sewer skunk on a compost
heap.
Something needs doin’ about
this craziness before the PC Nazis on the left has us all fitted for ‘moral’
straightjackets worse than the Puritans on the far right ever could. The deluded
power of the left has the right cowering like a whooped pup just shit on the
shag. And its plumb pathetic is what it is.
At the risk of over-metaphor’n,
just watch close when any Republican office holder is asked about a race issue.
Poor shit bastard is apt to look more nervous than a long tailed cat in a
roomful of rockin’ chairs. Not because he’s racist, but because he knows that
anything he says—like being against the reverse racism of “affirmative action”,
or thinking OJ was guilty, or thinking Michael Jackson (formerly a person of
color) just might be a pedophile, or pointing out the hypocrisy of race
racketeers like Jessie Jackson, Al Sharpton, Louis Farrakhan et al—will get him
labeled as a racist.
But this bendin’ over and
spreadin’ the cheeks to the PC Nazis has got to end. What all level headed folk
needs to do is stand up and call a spade a spade. It’s the race racketeers and
their PC Nazi stooges that are the real racists, out drummin’ up business. Most
folks these days don’t have a real racist bone in their bodies. The good aspects
of true liberalism, a faint memory now, won the day a long time ago, and now
it’s a perverted form that that threatens to create a backlash that could ruin
it all.
If race is not supposed to
matter, then why is everybody on the left always goin’ out of their way to point
to it? Why does every measure to end matters of race get opposed by the left?
What kind of logic says that discrimination against one group to advantage
another group will lead to the end of discrimination? Any dumb ass mule can see
that those discriminated against will resent it and that it will lead to them
discriminatin’ in the future. Two wrongs don’t make a right, even if three lefts
do.
Race preferences hurt
everyone. It is a perpetuation to the problem under the guise of a solution.
Want a solution? Want a level playing field? Level the damn education system so
that inner city schools get the same “quality” education as suburban schools.
As long as the race card
pays to play, then politicians, especially democrats, have a vested interest in
keeping racism alive. Their “solutions” have nothing to do with ever solving
the problem, but in perpetuating it as an issue they can continue to exploit.
The democrats rely on the ignorance of the poor; without ignorance they are
powerless.
But it’s the moron populace
who believes all the bullshit that’s ultimately to blame. They by sheer numbers
hold the power, only they is too moronic to realize it. Welcome to the tragic
story of man on earth.
If calling Dusty Baker a
racist doesn’t show you just how out to lunch the left has become, then you must
be left out to lunch yourself.
And as long as yer out…
Order me up a plate of Bud-fried okra smothered in cheeseburgers, will yuh?
~The Booda
THE HEE HAW THEORY
What we think and believe inside our tiny little minds ain’t shit on a
tick’s ass. The human brain was designed in good measure as an open tuning
device, a kick-ass CB with thousands upon thousands of available
frequencies, with a bit of memory built in. But we’ve become our own worst
enemy in two basic ways: first by taking these freakish free tuning devices
and sticking Restrictor Plates on ‘em, which in turn force a mental back-up
of a type of memory I call SMM, or Selected Malleable Memory, which is the
real root of all evil.
Now, these Restrictor Plates take many forms and come piece by piece, some
of the most prominent by way of dip-shit teachers, preachers, politicians
and Talking TV Heads, who have all been pre-programmed into “experts” at the
Dipshit Factory. The only thing they is expert at is getting us to believe
in going along with their narrow little solutions to the growing problems
that their previous narrow little solutions made into growing problems in
the first place! And worse, in getting us to defer to their supposed
expertise and to give up figuring things out for ourselves, which is
tantamount to volunteer robotism. And then we go robotin’ the same shit
them “experts” done roboted at us back to each other like it was the goddamn
gospel! The robot gospel is what it is, “Danger Will Robinson, Danger!”
This is how formerly open minds narrow and eventually, close up tighter’n a
banker’s back orifice.
Now I know what your saying, “Hell, I don’t believe a damn word they tell
me!” Not true. With such an aerial bombardment we can’t help but be covered
in shit, I don’t care if you are walking around with your goddamn patio
table umbrella over your head. Now, some of the shit sticks and some of it
don’t, but what does we marry ourselves to like a 14-year old cousin. In a
universe full of infinite frequencies, most of us “sophisticated” humans
have done lost the remote, and are effectively stuck tuned to the
titillating, worn denim vacuity of the Hee-Haw channel.
BRAIN
BOXING
There is a lot of talk these days, mostly in business and business
advertising borrowing from a quantum mechanical vernacular, about ‘paradigm
shifts’ and ‘thinking out of the box’. Muleshit. These Slick-Dicks may
think they’re thinking outside the box, when the reality is they’re only
thinking in a different part of the box, or in rare cases, in a box pushing
out at the seams. What they and we need to do, is learn to think without the
damn box, to eliminate the box completely. The only way I know how to do
that is to NOT think at all, to get my useless, judgmental, bitchin’ and
moanin’ steer-brain the hell out of the way so’s I can pick up the clear
signals streaming in from the highways and byways of ole Infinity. It ain’t
easy, but it can be done, is done, and has been done countless times. You
just ask old Einstein or young Hawking or my cousin Earl (the inventor of
the pig fart [methane] fueled still) ‘bout that. The more people that do it
the easier it’ll get, impregnating the ether (see Rupert Sheldrake’s
‘Morphic Resonance’) with broader, more available frequency bands. I know
this sounds like so much crap to most Box-Brains, and all I can say to them
is that it only sounds like crap because they’re still thinking inside their
same crappy old box. Further, if they really did want to shift their damn
paradigms instead of just wearing the word around like a fraternity pin,
they’d push in the clutch and pull the damn stick out of their asses.
Shifting is so much easier that way. Less painful too, I’d imagine.
****
Dear
Booda
Where my loyal legions seek
wisdom...
Dear Booda,
I’m a cattle rancher in Colorado. Over the years me and some neighbors have
had dozens of head of cattle mysteriously mutilated. Organs surgically
removed, bodies drained utterly of blood, no signs of human intrusion
whatsoever. Frankly, it scares the holy living hell out of us. Who, or what
is doing this?
Jake Harwell
Western Colorado
Dear Jake,
Hmm, no signs of human intrusion huh? You know, it could be a renegade
steer, a real Angus the Ripper done snuck off to medical school without you
noticing. Either that or its aliens from another world, like them strange
PETA creatures out trying to drum up business. I suppose it could be real
aliens from another planet, but since the government says they don’t exist
that’s impossible. As you well know Jake, the government never lies or
covers anything up. I don't have an answer for you, but if you'll go
ahead and send me a side or two of that there mystery beef, I'll conduct
some extensive gastronomical lab tests for you.
The Booda
The Artichoke
Dear Booda,
The world is getting crazier every
day. People are calling Donald Rumsfeld “Dr. Strangelove”. My wife is a Mayan
Guatemalan, and she says her calendar stops at 2012. I’m a big Pat Robertson
fan, and everyday on the 700 Club he’s talking about the Middle East
situation. He says the Bible prophecy of the Tribulation is just around the
corner. I’m saved and all, but still very frightened. My brother says all this
end of the world stuff is just a bunch of Chicken Little nonsense. Who’s right,
reverend Robertson and my wife, or my brother?
Jim Marty
Lake Elmo, Minnesota
Dear Jim,
If you’re a big Pat Robertson fan,
the only thing you’re saved from is good taste and common sense. That being
said, the Mayan calendar does indeed end in Roman 2012. (Worse, my Sports
Illustrated Swimsuit Calendar ends in 2003). Hopi and Tibetan prophecy both get
a little melodramatic about 2012 as well. It’s also true that global upheavals,
and mini-mass extinctions--you can call ‘em Tribulations if you want—seem to
happen about every 10,000 years. The last one happened about 10,000 years ago
and brought a sudden end to the last Ice Age. 7 out of 10 biologists (along
with 4 out 5 dentists) agree that the earth is presently in an accelerated mass
extinction phase. In addition, the earth's magnetic field looks like its gettin'
ready for another reversal. You do the arithmetic.
Sincerely,
The Booda
Dear Booda,
Now I don’t mean to be a stick
in the mud, but I was a little teed off over your disrespect towards the great
legacy of HEE HAW in your recent column, The Hee Haw Theory. Tell me
sir, why on God’s green acre would you suggest that being stuck on the HEE HAW
channel would in any way present a problem? Are you suggesting the fine, loyal
fans of HEE HAW are somehow mentally deficient? I’ll have you know, I spent many
a fine year at HEE HAW looking up the very "denim vacuity” you look down on, and
was never at a loss for mental stimulation, let me tell you. I suggest you
brush up on your HEE HAW facts before popping off in such thoughtless manner,
and you can do that at my website:
www.roy-clark.com. I’ll be touring through Texas
soon, so why don’t you stop on by and say your howdy-do’s. I’ll be more than
happy to introduce you to the business end of my banjo. I disrespectfully
suggest, dear Booda, that you find another show to name your ridiculous theory
after. Perhaps The Beverly Hillbillies would make a better target. Don’t
make me sue you, boy.
Sincerely, Roy Clark
Dear Roy,
Thanks for your kind letter. What
strikes me most is that your banjo seems to have a “business end”. This
confirms another theory of mine, that you are and always have been an inveterate
butt picker. As to the Hee Haw Theory, your failure to appreciate the
full extent of its high falutin’ philosophical brilliance, as demonstrated by
your suggestion that I rename it after The Beverly Hillbillies, only
further supports my theory.
The Beverly Hillbillies,
as intelligent people well know, was and is one of the great social satires of
our time. Never before or since have in-depth issues of class struggle and
Proletarian ideals been more accessible to the masses.
Granny, may she rest in peace, had
more gumption and country wisdom than the entire cast of your show combined. Her
medical knowledge shamed Marcus Welby into early retirement, and makes the ER
staff look like a bunch of Amazonian witch doctors. Uncle Jed was no less than a
thinly veiled, down-home cross ‘twixt Gurdjeff and Rodin. The man could wax
eloquent on the Duality of Man while whittling a Civil War relief out of
Popsicle stick. His deft jabs into the upturned nose of the neo-riche were a
tribute to the common man, and further, an infusion of pride and determination
into the collective arm of the downtrodden. Why, even Jethro’s cypherin’
skills, a humorous but pointed condemnation of the Bugtussle Education System,
said more with 2+2=5 than Junior Samples entire repertoire of hambonin’ and
corn-pig jokes. Now, I’ll admit that Barbi Benton has aged a lot better than
Ellie May Clampet, but at the time they was pretty much a toss-up. Ellie May, in
her Dolittlian genius with the animals, not only embraced Buddhist principles of
love and respect for all sentient beings, but kick-started the animal rights
movement, a movement since hijacked and subverted by them leftist neo-hippie
nut-jobs over at PETA.
I for one have always been for
animal rights, and have always supported their right to be brutally murdered,
deep fried and slapped on a supper plate. Bunny rabbit stew has always been a
favorite around these parts, though not quite as satisfyin' as a nice, savory leg
of mule.
I appreciate your concern Roy,
however misplaced. I kindly suggest that you stick to what you know best
though, squawkin’ them lame lyrics and double pickin’ your axe.
~The Booda
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